The Wonderful Stories of Professor Kitzel (Worldvison Enterprises 1972-76) (aired on ITV) 1987-91

The Wonderful Stories of Professor Kitzel

During the late 1980's I was still watching the occasional kids TV programme (even though I was in my 20's), and being an early riser I never missed an episode of the probing and in-depth (5 minute) educational show called 'The Wonderful Stories of Professor Kitzel'. Who? What? When? Why??? I hear you ask! Well to answer some of those questions I should introduce the above mentioned Professor Kitzel.
Kitzel was an eccentric scientist / academic, who hosted these historic snippets.The program combined film clips, animation, and commentary to teach the viewers about so called important events (if you can still class subjects such as the Kon Tiki expedition or Fur trading in Canada as important!)
The series could have been quite an education, but sadly most of the subjects seem to be about forgotten white (and mostly French) explorers, or completely incorrect histories (such as the Easter Island episode). The rather staid stories were broken up by the Professor, who went through the same format in each of the 106 episodes (how many?). First he would walk on and tell a shit joke, pull the switch of his time machine monitor / TV set, and the story would be begin. Halfway through the story, the professor would interrupt the commentary to make some dumb ass remark, before returning to the narrative with an invitation to "Let's see what happened next."after which appearances by his grandfather or his parrot would finish the show with a fucking diabolical joke!
To my way of thinking the Professor is a must see, yeah I know history is a bit boring, but for Christsakes, these episodes lasted less time than it takes to wipe your arse! I loved the little tales punctuated by the very base humour (which did still somehow, raise a smile) and the stories could actually teach you something....which would be a bonus for most brain dead 12 year olds these days.
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The Wonderful Stories of Professor Kitzel (Theme Tune)

Episodes

1. Martin Frobisher
2. The Crusades
3. The Spartans
4. Charlemagne and the Elephant
5. Leonardo da Vinci
6. Samuel F.B. Morse
7. Profile of Japan
8. Mayan Archaeology
9. Charles Darwin (2)
10. The Sahara Desert
11. Charles Dickens
12. Thomas Edison
13. Buffalo Bill Cody
14. Joan of Arc
15. India (1)
16. Pilgrims
17. Montezuma and Cortez
18. Perry at the Pole
19. Hillary and Mount Everest
20. The Mississippi Steamboat
21. Reptiles
22. The Rosetta Stone
23. The South Pole
24. August Picard
25. Abba of Benin
26. India (2)
27. The Oracle of Delphi
28. Northwest Indians
29. Daniel Boone
30. Jacques Cartier
31. The Great London Fire
32. The Masai Warriors
33. Marco Polo
34. The Wright Brothers
35. New Amsterdam
36. Athens and Sparta
37. Beavers
38. Romulus and Remus
39. The Buffalo Herds
40. Captain Bligh
41. Peter the Great
42. Fur Trading
43. George Washington
44. Robert Perry
45. Egypt
46. The Vikings
47. The Phoenicians
48. Frederick Douglass
49. Al Rashid
50. Pioneers in Early America
51. The Early Boat Builders
52. Anton Von Leewenhoek
53. The African Gold Coast
54. Gorillas
55. The Picard Brothers
56. The Whaling Ships
57. Montgolfier
58. The Treasure Ships
59. The Eskimos
60. Prehistoric Man
61. Mount Olympus
62. Vasco de Gama
63. James Watt
64. The Middle Ages
65. California Gold Rush
66. Captain Froebischer
67. Christopher Columbus
68. Louis Bleriot
69. Peter the Hermit
70. Pueblo Indians
71. Kier and Drake
72. Abraham Lincoln
73. Guglielmo Marconi
74. Ben Franklin
75. Emperor Nero of Rome
76. The Covered Wagons
77. Easter Island
78. The Cave Paintings of Alta Meara
79. Louis Pasteur
80. The Search for Ancient Troy
81. Jacques Cousteau
82. The Statue of Liberty
83. John Cabot
84. John Smith and Pocahontas
85. The Middle Ages
86. Thor Heyerdahl
87. The Declaration of Independence
88. Gutenberg
89. The History of Rockets
90. Galileo
91. Early Man
92. Ponce de Leon
93. The Erie Canal
94. Charles Darwin (1)
95. The Duryea Brothers
96. Samuel De Champlain
97. The Customs of China
98. Michelangelo
99. Thomas Paine
100. Charles Lindbergh
101. Early Crete
102. The Australian Aborigines
103. Eskimo Life
104. Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius
105. Lewis Carroll
106. The Mystery of Stonehenge

I Woke Up One Morning (BBC) 1985-1986

I Woke Up One Morning

When Carla Lane puts pen to paper and writes a sitcom, you can be assured that...
(A) It won't be very funny!
(B) It will be repetitive.
(C) It will include her fucking stupid views on animal rights, and vegetarianism!
Basically she could write a series about a man who talks to ducks and the dopey liberals at the BBC would buy into it!
The series, which was stretched out into 2 seasons, centres on four pissheads who are sent to a psychiatric hospital to dry out (the series was filmed at Hellingly Hospital in Sussex).
Carla employs her usual favourite's from previous sitcoms to play the leads, including Robert Gillespie as Zero, Michael Angelis as Max (playing his same-as-always deadpan philosophical type) and Jean (Ma Boswell) Boht. The other 2 dipso's are called Danny and Derek.
There isn't much you can say about either series, they were both exactly the same! Episode 1, the drunks get dropped off at the hospital, Episodes 2-5 they all talk about their lives, wives, kids and being drunks! Episode 6 They all get pissed!...and that is the format of both seasons!
Although it is supposed to be a comedy, I never laughed ONCE, however I did find it amusing  as my dad was an annoying drunk and I could relate to some of the bullshit that the characters spoke!

Rentaghost (BBC 1) 1976-1984

Rentaghost

Rentaghost was childrens TV at its very best, it was camp, anarchic and totally stupid!
I was there when the first episode was broadcast on the 1st June 1976, and 8 years later to tune into the final show!
I was really into ghosts about that time and after watching the first show I went out and purchased the Rentaghost book by Bob Block. I idolised the characters and never missed one episode!
The first show introduces Fred Mumford, a slightly porky middle aged loser, recently deceased, who has decided to start an agency for ghosts who were also failures in life. His first signing is a medieval jester called Timothy Claypole (who is wonderfully played by the incredibly gay Michael Staniforth) and shortly afterwards a priggish Victorian ghost, Hubert Davenport (Michael Darbyshire). Mumford and the ghosts operate from an office which is owned by Harold Meeker (who ends up in hospital in episode 3 after he discovers his tenants are ghosts!)
The first series is slapstick based comedy, which looks quite dated to 21st century eyes, but this method was phased out in subsequent seasons and replaced by farce.
Season 1 also features Ethel Meeker, Harold's loopy wife, and Fred's parents who persistently cold call the office seeking him, (unaware that he is dead).
Elderly Scottish spook Hazel the McWitch,  and entrepreneur Adam Painting (Christopher Biggins) make their debut in season 4, and Dobbin, the pantomime horse joins the cast in the Rentasanta Christmas special of December 1978, after being brought to life by Claypole's spell.
Before the fifth season began shooting, Michael Darbyshire, who played Davenport, died, and Anthony Jackson (Fred Mumford) declined to return. This left Michael Staniforth (Claypole) as the only original ghost. I remember being pretty upset about this at the time!
The later episodes were set in the Meeker household after Claypole, Dobbin, McWitch, Nadia Popov, and a collection of other spooks move in and create weekly havoc, much to the annoyance of Arthur and Rose Perkins, the Meeker's, long suffering next door neighbours!
The 1982 Christmas special saw the ghosts act out a pantomime in which Ethel Meeker sings 'Tangerine' while a roller disco takes place around her! This episode is also my personal favorite!
The final episodes introduce Whatsisname Smith (Kenneth Connor), Susie Starlight, Rover the tortoise and Jeremy (a robotic cleaning machine).
Tragically all of the original cast are now ghosts themselves, Davenport, Mumford, Harold Meeker and Claypole, have all joined the spirit world for real! Davenport (Michael Darbyshire) died in 1979, Michael Staniforth who played Claypole died of AIDS in 1987 and Anthony Jackson (Mumford) died in 2006. I remember meeting Jackson at Eastbourne station a couple of weeks before he died, I told him that I was a big fan of the show, but accidentally addressed him as  Mr Meeker!, he quickly corrected me by replying in a hushed voice "I was Mumford actually", He looked a bit hurt to be remembered from Rentaghost (no doubt bitterness must of crept into his thoughts for resigning from the show and missing out on 5 years guaranteed work!) As I watched him shuffle (rather dejectedly) onto the 1431 to Victoria, I felt a sadness that the show would never come back!
Rentaghost did return in 2006 as an unsuccessful stage production, without any of the original cast (obviously!) and written by that talentless cunt, Joe Pasquale!
There are also plans to make a Hollywood movie version starring Ben Stiller, but this would be a disaster..as we all know what happens when the Yanks get their hands on something good!
I'm afraid most of us who remember the series would never settle for anything less than the original cast, and as 80% of them are now dead, we can forget it!
Season 1 is available on DVD, but many of the other episodes were destroyed by the BBC (who also famously did the same with many historic Dr Who episodes!)

The Cast

• Timothy Claypole (Michael Staniforth)  (1976-1984) *
• Harold Meaker (Edward Brayshaw)  (1976-1984) *
• Ethel Meaker (Ann Emery)  (1976-1984)
• Fred Mumford (Anthony Jackson)  (1976–1978) *
• Hubert Davenport (Michael Darbyshire) (1976–1978) *
• Hazel the McWitch (Molly Weir)  (1978–1984) *
• Nadia Popov (Sue Nicholls)  (1981–1984)
• Adam Painting (Christopher Biggins)  (1977-1983)
• Rose Perkins (Hal Dyer)  (1978–1984) *
• Arthur Perkins (Jeffrey Segal)  (1978–1984)
• Tamara Novek (Lynda La Plante)  (1980) 
• Dobbin the Pantomime Horse (William Perrie, John Asquith) 
• Mrs Mumford (Betty Alberge)  (1976–1978) *
• Mr Mumford (John Dawson)  (1976–1978)
• Whatsisname Smith (Kenneth Connor)  (1983-1984) *
• Susie Starlight (Aimi MacDonald) (1984)

* These actors are now real GHOSTS!

Barriers (ITV - Tyne Tees) (1981-82)

Barriers

Rather a downbeat kind of series, I remember it being shown on a Sunday afternoon about 4pm (ish), this is probably why no one remembers it!
The series starts with solicitor Vince Whitaker (Paul Rogers), informing public schoolboy, Billy Stanyon (Benedict Taylor) of the death of his parents in a sailing accident. This incident leads to the revelation that Billy was adopted. Whitaker tries to help Billy locate his real parents and they set out on a journey to solve the mystery. After following a trail of false starts, dead ends and cryptic clues that takes them across Europe, Billy eventually finds out his real parents were killed in a border skirmish on the Austrian / Hungarian border in 1963. He also establishes the identity of the man who drove the car in which they died, Konrad Spetz. Spetz admits the true story to Billy who ends up feeling that the man is the closest link to his real family and although he hates him, also wants to remain close and spend more time with him. Spetz is wanted by police for a string of deceptions and crimes, including murder. Spetz tries to escape as the net closes and Billy follows pleading with Spetz to stay, but he will not listen and accidentally falls to his death on the Alps, as Billy desperately tries to hold his arm . Billy meets Whitaker at the base of the mountain, dejected, and declares "It's over, it's all over".

Spetz admits everything to Billy

After viewing, you can't help but wonder how a pissy regional network like Tyne Tees managed to come up with such a deep, meaningful and well acted series. I have never seen it repeated since the original broadcasts, which is a shame, as it was intended as a family show (albeit a rather gloomy one!). The quality of the filming leaves much to be desired, an unforgivable crime, because many of the locations are quite breathtaking, but I suppose Tyne Tees had exhausted their budget on  the A-list cast, who included Michael Gough, Laurence Naismith, Siân Phillips, Patricia Lawrence, Nicholas Courtney & Robert Addie.
Barriers was broadcast as 2 series in 1981-1982

Survivors (BBC 1) 1975-1977

Survivors
(BBC 1, 1975-1977)

I guess this series is almost forgotten, it hit our screens when I was at the tender age of 8, so I didn't get to see the episodes first time round. I did check them out on cable in the 90's and was blown out with this apocalyptic tale of survival in a post plague world (...well England anyway!).
It all starts ...as the opening credits show, with a Chinaman dropping a test tube (presumably holding the deadly plague) and then dropping dead at an airport after we are shown a bunch of immigration stamps for major world cities, finishing with London on September 23rd!
After this we are introduced to our main players one by one, Abby Grant (posh, bossy, 70's woman), Jenny Richards (powdered fanny, needy type), Greg Preston (Pilot and alpha male) and Tom Price (bum & dirty old man...on screen and off apparently!). We are shown each survivor's story from the moment the plague takes hold, and the rapid realization that they must find help.
After a couple of episodes, the four leads end up relying on each other to survive and eventually set up a commune in a large house, Greg and Jenny by now having started a relationship. Others join week by week, including 2 very annoying kids (who never die...even though you REALLY want them to!), a half wit called Barney, a sexy girl called Wendy and her VERY irritating foreign mother figure, Emma Cohen, a grumpy cripple called Vic Thatcher, a wandering hippy, Tom Price and finally a posh bloke Arthur Russell and his secretary Charmian. The first series was written by Terry Nation (of  'Blake 7' fame) and his skills really shine through during these first gripping 13 installments. The characters are also very likeable and easy to warm to, which is why it is distressing when some have to die. One of the most powerful episodes is 'Law and Order' in which Tom rapes and murders Wendy after a drunken party, but Barney is the chief suspect and is shot by Greg after a trial. Tom is exposed by Abby, but Greg decides to keep it quiet from the others. 'Gone To The Angels' is another moving episode. When Abby goes to see three holy men on a mountain in a search for some meaning, all contract the killer virus from her and die. This is a strange installment as it deals with the religious side of the disaster and leaves Abby and the viewer feeling empty and hopeless!

The trial from Law and Order.

Other stand out episodes of this series include the distracting 'Garlands War', in which Abby finds love with the hansome aristocratic warrior Jimmy Garland, 'Revenge' where the interesting, but under explored character, Vic Thatcher meets up with his posh girlfriend Anne, after she left him for dead in episode 2, and 'A Beginning' which ends the series with the introduction of Ruth Anderson (a key player in series 2), and the possibility of trade between the local communities.
The only disappointment with the conclusion of series one, is the failure of the sinister 'Government Forces' to attack or even materialize, after continued warnings of their encroaching presence in the area since episode 3! (This could be explained by the departure of Terry Nation as writer at the end of the first series).
Series two, starts with a real shock for regular viewers, as half of the cast are culled in a fire which destroys the house. Sadly, Vic Thatcher, and not so sadly, Charmian, Donny, Emma and Laura (plus baby) perish. The survivors now end up staying with Charles Vaughan (who played a kind of David Koresh type in an early episode). Charles is now given a more stable setting with his new partner, Pet, and the new community is led by Greg as engineer, and Charles as farmer. Abby is sadly not present in this series her absence is explained by her long drawn out (and tiresome) search for her son (in reality, Carolyn Seymour who played the part, left the series due to an out of control cocaine habit!).
The second series lacks the punch of the first and it feels like a post plague Emmerdale Farm. The new characters, Ruth, Charles, Jack and Hubert take up the slack, but the absence of Abby is a great void in the remainder of the series. Sad losses during this series include regulars, Arthur Russell and Paul Pitman, who both succumb to disease. Other highlights include a 2 part episode 'The Lights of London', where Dr Ruth is tricked into journeying into the rat infested capital to help the 500 inhabitants overcome a deadly virus. 'New Arrivals' see's Charles's authority challenged by a new kid on the block and 'Parasites' deals with a couple of criminals arriving by barge to upset the peace!
The series ends with Greg taking off in a balloon going to Norway to find ways of harnessing electricity. This is another blow for the viewer as Greg has been a foundation stone throughout the series, and although he does return in the next series it is only for a couple of adventures, before he eventually dies of smallpox in 'The Last Laugh'.
Series three seems to loose all cohesion with the community spirit that had characterized the previous series and feels more like a bunch of isolated quests, which lead up to the final episode, where Charles, Hubert and Jenny head to Scotland to switch on a generator which will bring power and industry to England again!
In all, the series is very intelligently written, and although the main characters are all middle class (and the dodgy, dishonest, stupid and criminal, are all working class!), there is a reality about this future, and that is that the class system will still exist even when humanity is almost extinct. This vision persists throughout the series, but that doesn't detract from the overall feel as the plots are at worst, mildly entertaining, but at best gripping and thought provoking.
A 2008 remake of the series did not hit the mark with the public, but the original is still worth getting hold of, and locking yourself away all weekend to watch!

Abby & Greg

  Series One

1. The Fourth Horseman *****
2. Genesis ****
3. Gone Away *****
4. Corn Dolly ****
5. Gone to the Angels ****
6. Garland's War ****
7. Starvation ***
8. Spoil of War ****
9. Law and Order *****
10. The Future Hour ***
11. Revenge *****
12. Something of Value ****
13. A Beginning *****

 
  Series Two

1. Birth of A Hope ****
2. Greater Love *****
3. Lights of London Part 1 ****
4. Lights of London Part 2 *****
5. Face of the Tiger ***
6. The Witch ***
7. A Friend In Need ***
8. By Bread Alone ***
9. The Chosen ****
10. Parasites *****
11. New Arrivals ***
12. Over The Hills
13. New World ***

     
Series Three

1. Manhunt ***
2. A Little Learning ***
3. Law of the Jungle ***
4. Mad Dog ****
5. Bridgehead ***
6. Reunion ****
7. The Peacemaker ***
8. Sparks ***
9. The Enemy ***
10. The Last Laugh ****
11. Long Live The King ****
12. Power  ***

**        A bit boring
***      Average
****     Good
*****    Exellent

Cast Members

• Abby Grant (Carolyn Seymour)  (13 episodes, 1975)
• Greg Preston  (Ian McCulloch)  (26 episodes, 1975-1977) **
• Jenny Richards (Lucy Fleming)  (32 episodes, 1975-1977)
• Tom Price (Talfryn Thomas)  (7 episodes, 1975) **
• Arthur Wormley (George Baker)    (1 episode, 1975)
• Vic Thatcher (Terry Scully / Hugh Walters / Terry Denton)  (7 episodes, 1975) *
• Anne Tranter (Myra Frances) (2 episodes, 1975)
• Charles Vaughan (Denis Lill)  (24 episodes, 1975-1977)
• Emma Cohen (Hana Maria Pravda)  (7 episodes, 1975) *
• Wendy (Julie Neubert)  (3 episodes, 1975) **
• Barney (John Hallet) (3 episodes, 1975) **
• Paul Pitman (Chris Tranchell)  (8 episodes, 1975-1976) **
• Arthur Russell (Michael Gover)   (12 episodes, 1975-1976) **
• Charmian Wentworth (Eileen Helsby)  (6 episodes, 1975) *
• Jimmy Garland   (Richard Heffer)  (2 episodes, 1975)
• John Millon (Stephen Dudley)  (22 episodes, 1975-1977)
• Lizzie Willoughby (Tanya Ronder / Angie Stevens)  (19 episodes, 1975-1977)
• Sam Mead  (Robert Gillespie)  (4 episodes, 1975-1977) **
• Donny  (Robert Tayman)  (1 episode, 1975) *
• Ruth Anderson  (Annie Irving / Celia Gregory) (12 episodes, 1975-1976)
• Pet Simpson (Lorna Lewis)  (15 episodes, 1976-1977)
• Hubert Goss  (John Abineri) (17 episodes, 1976-1977)
• Jack Wood  (Gordon Salkilld)  (9 episodes, 1976-1977)
• Alan  (Stephen Tate) (4 episodes, 1976)
• Mina  (Delia Paton)  (2 episodes, 1976)
• Lewis Fearn  (Roy Herrick)  (2 episodes, 1976) **
• Agnes Carlsson  (Anna Pitt) (5 episodes, 1977)
• Alec Campbell  (William Dysart)  (4 episodes, 1977)
• Frank Garner (Edward Underdown)  (3 episodes, 1977) **

*   Died in the fire in 'Birth of a Hope' Series 2, Episode 1
** Murdered or died horribly in Series 1
** Murdered or died horribly in Series 2 or 3

The Famous Five (1978) Southern (ITV)

"We are the famous five, Julie, Dick and Anne, George and Timmy the dog!

What a series!! ............well, it was okay I suppose if you liked your favourite middle class twats in 1970s flared trousers!
The series has a soft spot for me, because I was in the fan club, and I also had a big 11 year old crush on the girl playing Anne (well I didn't have much choice within that group really!)......In fact my first girlfriend..at the rather late age of 16...was an Anne lookalike called Natalia, who was a posh bit of skirt from the knob end part of town.
The Famous Five was pretty good in its day and was incredibly popular on the International market, being sold to over 17 countries. My big problem with it was the night scenes, which were filmed using a blue screen, which made everything incredibly difficult to see, so much so, that I generally closed my eyes to get a better feel of what the hell was happening!
There were plenty of household names during its 2 series run from 1978-79, such as  Patrick Troughton, Cyril Luckham, Brenda Cowling, Geoffrey Bayldon, Brian Glover, Ronald Fraser and an early appearance by Rupert Graves. The plots were taken straight from the Enid Blyton books, but as mentioned earlier, with a 70s feel.. In the mid 1990s a new Famous Five series was commissioned, which I tried to watch, and although the production was far better, I personally couldn't stand the programme due to that fucking whore, Jemima Rooper playing the part of George!

Tarzan (1932-1948) MGM / RKO (ITV & BBC)

A Tarzan poster from 1934

1. Tarzan the Ape Man (1932)
2. Tarzan and His Mate (1934)
3. Tarzan Escapes (1936)
4. Tarzan Finds a Son! (1939)
5. Tarzan's Secret Treasure (1941)
6. Tarzan's New York Adventure (1942)
7. Tarzan Triumphs (1943)
8. Tarzan’s Desert Mystery (1943)
9. Tarzan and the Amazons (1945)
10. Tarzan and the Leopard Woman (1946)
11. Tarzan and the Huntress (1947)
12. Tarzan and the Mermaids (1948)

All of us forty somethings, will fondly remember those summer holiday breaks from school, at a time when no fucker actually went on holiday - No, we just sat around the house watching early morning TV. What did we love to watch the most?......Simples! - It was TARZAN!
But lets clear up any confusion here, it wasn't just any Tarzan, oh no! We were very particular, we said NO! to Ron Ely's 1960's Tarzan, with irritating sidekick 'Jai', and we voted with our feet when Lex Barker's Tarzan made and appearance. There was only ONE Tarzan for us, and that was Johnny (Aaaaaaaaaaaaah-ahhhhh-aaaaah-aaaahhhh!) Weissmuller! He was the ONLY Tarzan we would accept....I repeat, the ONLY! (and you can't kid the kids! - unless you are Jonathan King, Gary Glitter or Jimmy Savile!)
Weissmuller was an Olympic swimmer of German origin, who first took on the mantle of our favourite loin cloth wearing, vine swinging, elephant calling, crocodile fighting hero back in 1932, in Tarzan, The Ape Man. This film was a smash when it was released and launched an MGM (later RKO) franchise, which would feature the swimming star in a total of 12 films. Part of the charm of these films was the inclusion Tarzan's loyal (and lovely!) jungle partner, Jane (beautifully played by Maureen O'Sullivan in the first 6 films). This addition made the series appeal not only to my younger sister (who loved the jungle tree house) but also to my dad (no doubt admiring Jane's semi-naked swimming antics!). Cheeta, Tarzan's face-pulling chimp, was also a fantastic character who brought extra magic to the eccentric domesticity of the films. By the third film, Tarzan Finds A Son, 'Boy' entered the equation after his parents perish in a jungle plane crash. Tarzan and Jane adopt Boy, and his participation in the series usually involved Tarzan helping the over-curious minor out of various sticky situations.
When I first started watching the films back in the mid 70's, all 12 would be shown on a Monday to Friday schedule over 3 weeks (followed by the dire, Lex Barker films), but by the early 1980's only the final 9 were screened. 1982 was the start of the Tarzan backlash, the first 3 films were deemed too violent and too sexual for kids during this summer holiday. (It should be mentioned that most of the Tarzan books were written as sexual titillation, for teenage boys by Edgar Rice Burroughs). But this wasn't the end of it, there were now voices questioning what Tarzan represented. Suggesting the Weissmuller portrayal of Tarzan - King of The Jungle, is white supremacist. The depiction of black characters in the films were also seen as derogatory and offensive (Blacks were usually portrayed negatively, from cannibalistic bloodthirsty natives, to cowardly porters working for white hunters). This criticism is unfair, as film makers during this time only catered for the target audience, and the audiences were white! They are not deliberately offensive and by the time RKO took over the franchise in 1943, the black characters were replaced by Sub-Saharan white tribes! But even these later, less offensive Tarzan films were dropped by both ITV and the BBC by 1985. It was the end of an era. I was in the world of the working by this time, but I was painfully aware that familiar things were changing. The mid 80's were a time of contrasts, there was some good stuff  happening and some bad, but the loss of the Tarzan films from the summer holiday playlist was a tragic sign of the times!

Cheeta, Boy, Jane & Tarzan

The films have to be broken into 2 distinct groups, the MGM films and the RKO films. The MGM films were made with a higher budget for an older audience, and most follow a storyline which involves Jane's friends visiting, and later getting captured by savage tribes while looking for 'The Elephants Graveyard' or trying to kidnap Tarzan or Boy. The films then end with Tarzan gathering his elephant friends to stampede the hostile native village, evict the humiliated white hunters and return the status quo.
The RKO films were made with a lower budget and are aimed more at a younger audience, there are no more black natives and the adventures are set in more exotic locations. These films don't feature Jane (this absence is usually explained by her 'raising funds for the war effort' - America having now entered the war!)
Tarzan is much fatter in the later RKO films and this led to his being replaced by Lex Barker, after Tarzan & The Mermaids in 1948.
All the Tarzan films are a joy to watch, they contain all the essential ingredients needed to keep children of all ages entertained. They have great plots, comedy, tension, lots of action and appeal to all ages and genders. The 12 films cover a number of crazy adventures, including Tarzan's Crocodile Dundee type trip to New York, to rescue Boy, battling the Nazi's, in Tarzan Triumphs, defeating sacrificial sects in Tarzan and The Leopard Woman and fighting a giant spider in Tarzan's Desert Adventure. The early films are gripping and fast paced, whilst the later films are great examples of escapist fantasy. I love the Tarzan films, and although you can buy the entire collection in a lavish DVD / Blu-ray box set, I feel sad that kids today don't have that unity which we experienced in the 70's and 80's, courtesy of having only 3 TV channels.

The Coral Island (1983) Thames / ABC ( ITV)

Peterkin and Jack

The Coral Island was written by R. M. Ballantyne in 1858, and remained a popular boys adventure story for almost a century. However by the 1960's, some of the books values had become dated, its Imperialistic and Christian messages having no place in the post Suez world. So when Thames TV and the Australian Broadcasting Corporation decided to make a kids TV mini series based on the story, in 1983, it may have struck some as an unwelcome throwback to the days of Empire. But this was not quite the case. It's easy for us sitting here in 2014 to mock, but things were very different in 1983, the series was well liked, and accepted in the spirit in which it was made, concentrating on the 3 boys and their struggle for survival on a remote Pacific island. The series omits the more controversial aspects of the book such as, dealings with 'primitive savages, pirates and Christian missionary's, which apart from upsetting the 1983 PC brigade (yep, they were around even back then!), would have cost a bloody fortune to make! Instead the production team used a cast of 5 for the whole series (3 of those being the boys), and plonked them on a real desert island off the coast of Australia.
The story starts with the 3 lads, Jack, Peterkin and Ralph (played by Herr Flick from Allo Allo), rowing to a desert island as the sole survivors of a shipwreck. Ralph is posh and the other 2 are low class oiks. As you can imagine Jack and Peterkin hate the sight of Ralph and call him 'Snotty'. This situation only changes when all three have to rely on each others skills and intelligence to get by. By the end all 3 have conquered the environment they have made home, and are predictably rescued at the end.
This was probably the last chance a series like this could have been made. To begin with, a modern audience would be too obsessed with the possible homosexual undertones of  3 boys on an island. Also a remake would be forced to include a girl and a black character as two thirds of the mix to satisfy 21st century values. Sadly it's unlikely The Coral Island will ever be repeated on British TV for the above reasons, but the moral of the story is a good one, dealing with the finer aspects of humanity, cooperation, friendship, team work, inner strength and the breaking down of class barriers.

Midnight Is A Place (1977) Southern (ITV)

Midnight Is A Place

Midnight Is A Place, written by Joan Aiken, was, I am proud to say, adapted for TV by my local network, Southern (who also made the fantastic, Worzel Gummidge)
The series set during the Industrial Revolution, in the fictitious mill town of Blastburn, was about two snotty children Lucas Bell and Anne Marie, who are the wards of a cantankerously unloving uncle, Sir Randolph Grimsby. The uncle owns a rug factory that has the typically brutal working conditions of the time where both poor adult and child labourers have to survive. Life is hardly perfect, but things take a turn for the worst when the Uncle, maddened by the fear of bill and tax collectors, sets fire to his own home to prevent its seizure and is burnt to a crisp in the process, all good so far! This leaves the children with no home or guardian. But they are helped by their former tutor, Julian Oakapple (played convincingly by Brighton actor David Collings), who although badly injured in the blaze, helps the children as best he can throughout the 13 episode series. After the fire the 3 escape into the woods ).  After resting at a makeshift camp the kids take Oakapple to convalesce in a room of a friendly employee and journey off to find work, which leads them into a world of child labour and sinister characters. The two struggle to survive on the streets of London (yeah I know, the horror of our heroes being exposed to the working classes!), where they endure the hardships of making a living, as they attempt to regain their birthright. The two leads meet a host of helpful and not so helpful characters on their rite of passage. Anne Marie, has a dalliance with a working class lad, but this so called romance goes nowhere, and fades without so much as even a grope to be had!  After many hardships the kids make contact with Lady Murgatroyd, a delightful character that comes across as a sort of fairy godmother to the story. The familiar British cast also included, Avis Bunnage as the Inn keeper Kezia Tetley, Robert Gillespie as Mr Smallside, Ron Moody as the mad Tom Gudgeon and that bird out of Upstairs Downstairs who always got a bollocking from Mrs Bridges!
Eventually our young heroes triumph, win back the mill and set to work making factory conditions better for all, by introducing extended lunch breaks, vending machines, minimum wage, union representation, 4 weeks paid annual holiday and soft toilet rolls. All good clean fun, and a satisfying conclusion.
I remember enjoying the series and feeling totally engrossed by it, the fire scene at the mansion is as gripping as kids TV can get, and the two lead characters were great, but on the downside there are too many shouty, hammy, over the top performances, the mutton chop sideburns on some of the actors have to be seen to be believed, the theme song is a bit tedious and Bob Bludward's heart attack scene is so roaringly crap, it would finish anyone's acting career overnight!
The series is available on DVD, but it should be remade, with a better cast and condensed plot, to cut out all the bullshit, but I loved the series and it's a shame that kids TV is not up to this standard today!

* Simon Gipps-Kent who played the lead role as Lucas Bell was found dead in sinister circumstances at his London flat in 1987, the coroner reported morphine poisoning, however many conspiracy theory's have since come to light, but here is not the right place for that kind of thing, if you want to know more, search the internet!  

Sir Randolph goes bananas!

Click here to check out 'Midnight is a Place'

The Further Adventures of Oliver Twist (1980) ATV (ITV)

Sorry-just the book...erm NOVEL!!

A sequel to eclipse 'The Empire Strikes Back', The Further Adventures of Oliver Twist (or TFAOT to mega fans) was, to be fair, a Tour De Force in the world of children's TV back in the dawn of the 80's. I for one must admit charging home from school to see this!
 The plot as I remember it, involves Oliver being sent to a dodgy school after Mr Brownlow gets ill, and meeting Jack Dawkins, the artful dodger, who has been rehabilitated by a country vicar. The headmaster (who adds an entire tin of ham to the proceedings......"TWIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSST"!) is bribed by the evil Monks to put Oliver back onto the streets, (which he manages to do) so he can inherit the Brownlow millions. As soon as Oliver (and Jack) hit the streets, they start to bump into all the surviving characters from the original book (good and bad), Mr Bumble, Noah Claypole and FAGIN! (erm, forgive me, but wasn't Fagin executed in the original?). There are some new characters as well, mostly played by theatrical rejects that ATV probably hired for the price of an afternoon piss-up! Pauline Quirk is present in the series, playing her usual 'scrubber' type role, but the rest of the cast are non entities.
I must confess a sense of disappointment with the absence of Ron Moody in the Fagin role, considering he was all over kids TV during this period, and his inclusion would have elevated the series to the dizzy heights of TV gold!
I have to add special mention to the character, Mr Grimwig, whose ham acting would measure a 9.0 on the Richter Scale, with his "I'll eat my head" quote, closely followed by a head slap and a cloud of talcum powder sufficient to drive a ship onto the rocks!
Over 13 episodes the cat and mouse story moves to its inevitable happy conclusion, blah blah Oliver saves Brownlow, blah blah Oliver exposes Monks. But what more would you expect at 4.15 on a Wednesday afternoon, Oliver getting buggered by sex crazed dockers and sold into slavery?, No sir, you would not!
Apart from John Lennon's death and Hot Gossip fuelling my masturbatory imagination, this is the only thing I remember about 1980, and that's not such a bad thing, I mean what 25 year old today could boast of such childhood variety from the year 2000?
The tragedy of this series, is that it seems to be completely lost, it was never repeated (maybe because ATV had a hissy fit when they lost their franchise in 1982), and you can't buy it on VHS, let alone DVD or Blu-ray! I can only guess the reason behind this, is that the moral of the story is dated or non PC. There were a lot of children's series made during the 70's and 80's that implied the worst thing that could happen in Victorian England, was to be working class..HEAVEN FORBID!, and the stories usually ended with the junior heroes being elevated once more to middle class domesticity (I mean, hang on, being working class wasn't all about typhoid and going up chimneys - it probably had its fun moments too!).
Rose-tinted specs have blinkered my memories of this show and I suppose if I had to watch these episodes again, I would cringe at the shockingly bad acting levels and awful plot. At the time of its release, the series was popular enough to get it's own cartoon strip in Look-In magazine. But so far as children's TV goes, it was quickly forgotten. Maybe this is in part to do with the shabby way ITV cherry-picks its history, unlike their BBC rivals, but I find it disturbing how bollocks like 'The Cedar Tree' and 'By The Sword Divided' can be released on DVD while entertaining stuff like 'TFAOT', and 'Murphy's Mob' have been confined to the trash can of TV history!

Look-In (1980)

The Cedar Tree (1976) ATV (ITV)

The Cedar Tree...bargain basement Downton Abbey!

This outrageous show was aired about 3.30pm in the afternoon (during 1976) It was about a toffee nosed family in the 1930’s, totally studio bound and wooden acting a-plenty. I remember this drivel mostly cos my evil Granny came over every weekday in the afternoon and demanded the run of the TV until at least 4.15pm (and then after 5.05pm so she could check in at the Crossroads Motel..that's another story!) So although people remember the 70’s in a dewy eyed nostalgic way, I can tell you there was no end to the shit we had to put up with in the afternoon, Love Boat, Houseparty, Emmerdale Farm (before it got raunchy and was aired at a granny pleasing 3.30pm) and usually some low budget quiz show like Mr & Mrs (which offered prizes of up to $75..EEK!!). Times were hard, and I wasn't....hard enough to deal with my nan that is! But getting back to the subject, The Cedar Tree, was at best a poor relation to Upstairs Downstairs (without the downstairs action!) and at worst the sort of crap you would be forced to watch at your local fleapit theatre when your elderly aunts come over for a free holiday in July! (you know the sort of thing, ‘THE BUTLER TAKES NO SUGAR’ - A murder mystery, by some upper class prick that has been dead since 1950, even though no-one noticed except the queer coke head that revived it instead of leaving it buried, and scraping around for a suitable cast of Z-Listers, 'PAUL NICHOLAS - FROM TVs ‘JUST GOOD FRIENDS’ (to prove the fucker did once have a television career!) Anyhow, got that off my chest! But seriously folks, a typical story line would involve the Poundland lord of the Manor pacing up and down, grumbling about his snotty daughter who had fallen for an American oil man who had all the money but not much class (maybe a big cock though!) and then there was the old bitch, she was like the half dead version of the Dowager Lady Grantham, but she really did look dead, and it’s a pity, coz in her prime she could have out acted any one of the wooden cast. I remember the last episode ever, there was storm and the fucking cedar tree fell down and landed on the house, can’t remember if anyone died, but I died-laughing! ('BBC sound effects album no.64 - Tree’s falling onto big houses’) Don’t let me spoil the plot for you, go out and buy it on DVD or Blu-ray, Ooops sorry tough luck (or good luck) the show isn't available on anything, it was probably buried in the centre of the earth with a bit of luck!
* (Tragically I have since found out that the entire collection IS available on DVD)